Now Reading
The Hater’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

The Hater’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Laura Ellsworth

Worst. Holiday. Ever.

I know you don’t need to think twice what that may be. Unless, of course, Valentine’s Day doesn’t pop in your head because it doesn’t exist in your mind as a real holiday. Fair enough.

But seriously, nobody likes this day. Not even Hallmark, the company that has a channel dedicated to romance movies. They run Christmas romances for nearly three months straight on two separate channels starting in October, but as we are approaching Valentine’s Day you can barely find a topical movie. Why? Because no one wants to watch it.

Bad for Singles

Single and looking for that special someone? Nothing like a cheesy, contrived holiday to remind you how TERRIBLE you are doing at that. That’s right, hearts and romance everywhere and you are still alone. Even worse, people will host parties for you to meet with other singles on this dreaded evening, cause gee, the whole find that special someone scene isn’t hard enough on a regular day, let’s get together and feel like we have “D” for desperate tattooed on our foreheads. Do you even want to meet someone on the big V-day?

Bad for Couples

Okay, so you have a romance in your life… yay, Valentine’s Day, right? No. If it’s a new romance, when you are in the best blush of new love, it just poses lots of very uncomfortable questions: am I supposed to get my new love a gift? If so, what is the right thing? What’s too much? What if he/she doesn’t get me one? PRESSURE.

It’s not any better for couples that have been around the block a few times either. What if one of you does nothing? Ask your partner what they want to do for Valentine’s Day and watch the panic in their eyes. Is nothing an acceptable answer? Will he/she be mad if I don’t? What are the expectations?

Bad for Kids

A Charlie Brown Valentine is the saddest, saddest part of the Peanuts franchise. Why? Because it highlights kids getting left out. Even if your kids class insists on Valentine’s for everyone the kids have that agony of – oh no, does giving this Valentine to that kid who eats his snot and throws shoes at me make it look like I like him? There is no good answer. Not to mention the amount of candy kids get on this day. Teachers and parents alike, rejoice, we found another reason to sugar the heck out of the little beasts for the next 24 hours.

See Also

No Reservations

So you have navigated the awkward Valentine’s gauntlet without issue and happily settled on a nice dinner out? Safe choice. That is to say it’s a safe choice if you remembered to make reservations three weeks ago. But who thinks about Valentine’s Day in January? I’ll tell you who, the rare .01% of people who actually like this holiday and somehow they have managed to book EVERY restaurant within a ten mile radius. If you are in that “lucky” .01% I strongly advise you to consider your partner because they are probably a psychopath. I can’t point to a specific study to prove it, but anyone who thinks about the world’s shittiest day that far in advance is definitely not a catch. Chances are they already broke up with you though, because there is no way your gift lived up to their expectations.

The Gifts

Really, what kind of nonsense is this? Hey honey, let’s go out to a seven-course meal, then we can come home and top it off with chocolates and champagne. Now that you have a sugar-filled alcoholic bloat on, go ahead and don some skimpy lingerie, because what could be sexier than that?

Have you looked at the figure of the average adult? Lots of us are trying to eat healthy and workout. The candy and drinks on Valentine’s throw a big wrench in that, but even worse is the whole sexy lingerie nonsense. Most of us stop having a body where we want to wear that stuff around 22. Considering most of us don’t want our teenagers modeling sexy lingerie for each other that gives you a window of 19 to 22-year-olds who might be able to pull this off gracefully. If you are in that sweet spot, have at it, cause it’s all downhill from here.

View Comments (0)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Scroll To Top