“Art. Baby names. Vibrators.”
“What are things that are highly personal, subjective, and you should never give someone else advice about, Alex?” (Also, RIP, Alex)
Yet another unfair fact for females: we are all very different when it comes to cumming. It’s pretty easy to suggest what will get a guy off (spoiler alert: basic friction—the wetter, the better), but girls are unique. What works for me, probably won’t work for you. So, who am I to tell you what vibrator is the best for you?
Having said that, the market for sex toys is huge, and if you’re not sure what you’re looking for, sometimes a little direction can help.
In this review, I am not going to go brand-by-brand. If you are looking for a side-by-side comparison of the same style of toy, I recommend looking at Amazon reviews or Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan, where real women provide reviews of individual products.
But for the purpose of this article, there are too many options, and as mentioned, it’s a highly personal experience. So, consider this a Vibrator 101 guide to help you find what type of toy will work for you, and from there, you can experiment with the variety of options within that genre. I mean, really, I’m doing you a favor that way.
I’ll reiterate this is a HIGHLY personal and subjective subject. However, I added my own opinions as a “Personal Note” on the off chance someone out there is like me and actually benefits from what I experienced.
Personal Note: it took me years to understand what got me off. As noted in previous articles, I was never able to masturbate to completion and traditional sex was hit or miss, more often miss. As in I could be a contender for an Academy Award in the category of “Faking a Performance in a Bed.” Sally Albright has nothing on me.
So, without further ado, let’s look at what’s out there.
Penetrative Vibes
These are often phallic in shape, and often even include realistic details like veins or skin folds. If you are a woman who can get off through penetration – be it finger, penis, or other – this might be the toy for you. They (ahem) come in various sizes and shapes and offer a variety of vibration options: some move in circular motions, others move in and out, and still others simply hum, all which can add an extra layer of pleasure to a standard penetration experience.
Personal Note: These never worked for me, but, as noted, traditional sex almost never did either.
Penetrative and Clitoral Vibes
The most famous brand for these is the Rabbit. These have dual components – a penetrative component and a clitoral “tickler,” which allows you to both enjoy the feeling of penetration while giving specific attention to the clitoral sensations. If you like penetrative options, this might take you to the next level.
Personal Note: I have tried a few variations and while I appreciate the intent of the design, it never quite lined up to where I needed it.
Triple Play Vibes
Triple play usually provides three areas of stimulation – penetration, clitoral, and anal. Depending on what type you get and/or, how you choose to position it, you can manipulate the level of stimulation to each of those areas. This can be a fun toy but it’s a bit awkward to use with a male partner as there is literally no place left for them to go.
Personal Note: Nope.
Clitoral Vibes
There are a handful of “external” vibrators out there, the most classic design being the Hitachi Magic Wand. These tools are intended to lay against your clitoris and provide stimulation without penetration (although if you want to penetrate with it, who is to judge). These were originally marketed as “muscle relaxers.” And yes, that is accurate.
Fair warning: many of these are very powerful. So much so, that you can buy an attachment to better control the level of vibration since the actual Hitachi Magic Wand comes with two settings: high and low, and even low can be mind-blowing. If you go this route, consider working your way up (so to speak) by using it first over pants, then over the underpants, then directly.
Personal Note: This was my Goldilocks moment – the one that was just right. And in retrospect, it made sense. When it came to sex, I was a “rubber” – not in the plastic sense. Meaning (without being consciously aware of it) the sex that worked for me involved stimulation to my clitoris — so in the right position, the combination of clit rubbing, and penetration did the trick. This is not a toy I love using alone, but it has made sex pretty amazing.
Vibing with a Partner
Sex toys have always been somewhat of a taboo subject in my generation. Like many topics I’ve mentioned before (being gay, masturbating, therapy) it’s something we acknowledge exists but would never admit to needing.
Often men from Generation X find toys threatening. They were raised on unrealistic porn, so they don’t understand why women don’t automatically melt from jack-rabbit style banging. If their partner has to resort to using a toy to get off, it offends their dick-pride.
However, if you are in a situation like me, where sex isn’t always fulfilling, consider this: chances are your husband or boyfriend doesn’t have issues getting off, so why should you? Life is too short to fake orgasms all the time, and you deserve better. Tell him to suck it up (in all the meanings of the term) and experiment with sex using the toy that works for you.
Innovative Vibes
Once you decide on the style of vibrator that works for you, you can expand your repertoire with some of the more inspired options available.
- Vibe to the vibes with a vibrator that you can link to your playlist and will keep in tune with whatever music is playing.
- Experiment with the tiny finger/bullet/lipstick style vibrators that are discreet enough to use anytime, anyplace. Or consider the ones that are built into panties, which can add a little spark of joy to your day.
- There are vibrating Kegal weights, so you get rewarded with each level as you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.
There are long-distance vibrators, which can be controlled by a partner via an app. These can be a lot of fun when you and your partner can’t always be together.
Personal Note: If you try the remote vibrator, I recommend turning it off during your next work Zoom meeting.
