Ahhh… it’s the last long lazy days of summer, but boy have times changed.
Then
You wake up and want to call your bestie to come over and hang out all day, but someone else has been on the phone all morning, so you give up and instead down a quick glass of Tang and some Frankenberry cereal while watching a Gilligan’s Island rerun for the 50th time then head out the door on your bike.
You ride over to her house and she says her mom told her she has to get out of the house for the day but she doesn’t have a bicycle, so you have her ride on your handlebars and zoom down the hill back to your house. You hit a rock and both fly off the bike into the stream at the bottom of the hill. Scraped up and covered in mud, you think it’s hilarious so you have a water fight in the stream then walk the bike through the shortcut in the woods back to your house.
Now
Your daughter comes downstairs and wants to go to her friend’s house, she’s already made plans on her phone. You can’t drive her and can’t find her bike helmet so instead you call her an Uber. On the way out the door you remind her to stay out of the woods because there has been a real tick problem lately and you don’t want her to get Lyme.
You’re running late so you grab an organic green smoothie, gluten free, dairy free, and taste free with extra protein and head out the door.
Then
You and your bestie decide to sunbathe, so you slather yourself in baby oil, grab the boom box and set up lawn chairs in the grass behind your house.
Now
You walk out the door without realizing how sunny it is. You run back inside and slather yourself with SPF 60 sunscreen.
Then
Your favorite song starts playing on the radio so you jump up to the boom box and try to hit record on the tape that’s in there as fast as you can. After the song is over, you rewind to see how much of it you recorded but the tape gets stuck. You run inside and search for a pencil to stick in the cassette hole to manually rewind the tape.
You and your friend debate whether you could get away with opening a fifth Columbia records account to get the tape for $1 or whether you should just walk to the mall to hit up Tower Records. You decide to go to the mall because you also want to try on clothes at Merry Go Round.
Now
“Alexa, play my favorite song. Also, order me new black yoga pants from Lululemon.”
Then
You pick up a really cute Madonna-inspired jacket at Merry Go Round, but it needs shoulder pads, so you pin them into it. You peg your jeans at the bottom and admire your hot new look. You think it might be time to get your spiral perm refreshed. For now, you just flip your head over and add more Aquanet.
Now
You throw on one of your five pairs of yoga pants and look in the mirror. Your hair isn’t laying quite as straight as you like it so you toss it up in a bun.
Then
You aren’t sure what time it is so you find a pay phone and dial Time. You wait while the robot voice informs you “at the tone, the time will be….” You freak out that General Hospital has already started so you go watch it in the TV section at Sears. You can’t miss what is happening with Luke and Laura!
Now
You aren’t sure what time it is so you pull out your phone and glance at it. You see the new season of your favorite show has dropped so you send yourself a reminder for later.
Then
You are hungry but your mom hosted bridge club last night so you know if you look behind the leftover bottles of Blue Nun and jug of Ernest and Julio Gallo you will find a cheddar ball coated in nuts… gourmet food!
Now
You are hosting book club so you need to buy wine. You don’t know how to select a good one so you buy a couple bottles of organic, sulfite-free wine that has a rating of more than 92 points and hits the $20-$30 range. Then you go to the specialty section and get a charcuterie board.
Then
It’s Saturday night so you and your friend have a sleepover so you can stay up late and watch both the Love Boat and Fantasy Island. You have trouble falling asleep because Fantasy Island is always a little scary.
Now
After book club is over you go to bed and binge watch the last season of Schitt’s Creek on your tablet in bed until you fall asleep.
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